sou desu ka?

distance doesn't matter

2008-03-09T16:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I last posted. I guess I've come into terms with this whole... well, whatever it is. I'm still scared. Who isn't?

But I'm happier.

I feel that we've become closer. Not in terms of distance, she's still miles away from here. But she feels so damn close. Like that new year, when we talked until morning, and I was on my bed and lying down, and it felt as if I was on her lap... Kinda like that.

Each day that passes, I feel that our relationship becomes stronger and stronger. We have our ups and downs, but that's entirely normal. We manage. We love how we're different and yet the same, after all. It's how we're attracted.

Day in, day out, every time I talk to her, I feel happy. Even if I can't touch her, still.

But that day will come. I did promise I'll take her away.

2007-06-25T16:48:00.000+08:00

I feel like I've lost something.

I hope it isn't you.

sound advice

2007-06-06T17:43:00.000+08:00

I think I need one.

I was never particularly... good at keeping relationships. My first three (two official, one.. well, I guess I was the only person hoping it really was a relationship) were a failure. And sometimes, I figure this fourth isn't going to last long.

A friend told me before that, on the first time we got upset at each other, it was over a silly thing. But don't people get upset over the silliest things? We can't help it. It's practically human nature to get easily.

Maybe I'm really just paranoid. But sometimes, I want to ask how long would we still be together? I'm scared to ask.

Relationships scare me, but I really want this to last forever.

And then there was me.

2007-05-07T01:04:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last posted. Things happened. There were a lot. I write someplace else, and I write a whole lot.

I've had adventures, gone to places and talked to people. I've celebrated my birthday with my friends and the one I love (technically, I did spend the day with her, even if it isn't physical ;D ) My summer's been fun, even if most of the time, I'm at home.

Let's see, what have I been doing lately.

- I've been collecting Pinky:St dolls. They're about four inches tall and are very adorable. Their parts are interchangeable, and there's just so many combinations you could try out! I love how there are a lot of models now, it means I can go ahead and still collect, although the models here are limited. Greenhills, though, sometimes has limited edition models. I buy mine mostly on Rustan's. Currently, I have two. Pk011/Rui and PK005/Kokoro. I call them Rui and Choco-chan respectively. I also have PK006, which is an accessory set. That means I have two heads, three sets of hair and six sets of clothes, and a bunch of accessories. I might be getting another two dolls soon, since a friend of mine promised me Pinky:St dolls. Note the plural.

- I've enrolled myself in Japanese Classes. I started last April and we'd be ending sometime in September. They're Saturday classes, see. Three hours per class, and there would be 68 hours in total. I'm planning to finish all Elementary courses until I get at least a Level 3 proficiency in Japanese :) Level 4 is the lowest. So far, classes have been very fun! I'm always excited for Saturday. I love the class and my classmates and our Sensei :)

- My girlfriend and I are doing great. I love her. Everyday, I want to be able to talk to her. I want to be able to hold her. You know. Spend more time with her... Physically. It's hard being in a long distance relationship, but we'll make it work. I love her so much.

Mmm, what else. I've been moving around and all. Watching movies, hanging out with friends, all that. Life and all that, has been good.

It could get better though :)

You're not feeling well. :(

2007-02-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

These are the moments when I want to be with you the most: When you're not feeling well; when you're sick. I want to take you in my arms and cradle you, nurse you back to health.

I think I'll go crazy with all this waiting... I want to hold you in my arms, soon, dearest. Chase away all those bad things. Make you happy.

I don't know if I can.. but I'll try my best to make you smile all the time. Make you forget the sadness.

You make me glad I'm alive.

I love you.

2007-02-19T15:50:00.000+08:00

You know. I really should just keep reminding myself that people are different. We cope in different ways. We love in different ways, and we show it in different ways.

We're different.

We were all born different.

But we can share similarities.

...I still think too much.

:(

2007-02-19T15:29:00.000+08:00

I know she's told me that she loves me even if she's upset or in a bad mood.

Thing is, I'm still scared.

I'm still scared.

Scared because I don't know how long we'll last together.

I want it to last forever.

I've never had a good experience when it comes to relationships; maybe that's why I'm scared.

The first three I've had, they were all short.

Short, and the love didn't last for long.

We'd just... drift apart, not even recognize each other's presence.

I don't want that to happen this time.

But I'm so scared.

And maybe a little pessimistic/cynical about it.

Thinking that maybe she's upset because of me.

Because of something I said or did.

That she hates me now.

You know. There isn't one moment that I do not think of her.

Yesterday, I couldn't get online because everyone wouldn't let me.

Because I'm sick.

But I still wanted to get on, so I could tell her.

So she wouldn't worry.

But I really couldn't.

My head hurt too much that anything that emitted light hurt.

If my grandmother wasn't watching over me last night, I'd most likely cried myself to sleep.

And then, I get online today.

And she's in a bad mood.

Of course, the first thing that comes into mind is that she's upset because I wasn't there yesterday when I said I would be.

I don't know.

I guess I'm overreacting on this, but still.

Wouldn't it be better if she'd said she hated me, that she didn't like me anymore, rather than having to go in circles?

I know that this might not really be the reason she's upset.

There's still that probability, though.

And that tiny probability scares me.

Even if it's just 0.000000001%

It's scary.

I shouldn't be thinking about these things. I told myself not to. Because it only depresses me, and if I get depressed I don't get to do things I'm supposed to. And I need to work today.

I guess the best thing to do is let her cool down, and then contact her again later.

I think too much, and cry over the silliest things.

I'd still love her, anyway. Even if she hated me.

Little by little...

2007-01-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

...I'm beginning to tell her what I want to say.
...I'm beginning to cast away all these fears.

...I fall for her even more.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you'll have a shinysparkly and a generally better year ^^ 2007 is a year of happiness~ Let's start with smiles and a warm cup of hot chocolate.

Speaking of New Year's... I spent the first 9 hours with her. Talking online. Cuddling online. I wish I had a webcam with me. That way, she'd see how happy I was just being with her. We talked thorugh Skype. Saw her on the webcam. She really is beautiful, you know? I love her. More and more.

I slept at 9am on January 1st. Though I know I had my head on a pillow, it still felt as if I was lying down on her couch, myhead on her lap.. her fingers in my hair, stroking them, coaxing me to relax and fall asleep. I woke up with such a warm and fuzzy feeling... I loved it. I love those kinds of feelings.. It was just.. so.. perfect.

I wish... I wish that it would happen soon. Really happen soon. I want to hold her in my arms and whisper in her ears how much I love her. She means so much to me...

Christmas eve.

2006-12-24T02:18:00.000+08:00

You know... I was actually contemplating on showing this to her...

....I guess I'm just not ready yet...

Like I said before. It's scary to love someone.... Or.. I suppose... it's more like, I'm scared that she'd push me away. I hope not.

To my beloved.

2006-12-24T01:49:00.000+08:00

I love you. I love you so much.

I don't have anything to give you but every bit of myself. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy. I don't like it when you're sad. If I could, I'd take all your sadness from you. If they have to be somewhere, I'd keep them. I'd rather be the one battered and bruised instead of you. I love you. I don't want you to be hurt... If I could, I'd take the pain away from you, too. Physical and non-physical. I want you to be happy.

I love you.

You have me. I'm giving you complete control of myself. Do to me what you wish. I love you. I don't care about what happens to me. I really don't. I love you. You are all that matters to me. Your happiness. Your life. Your love. You.

I love you.

I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything else about you. I don't think I'll be able to love anyone else at all. It's just you.

I love you.

Please don't push me away. Please don't tell me you don't love me anymore. Please don't be sad.

I love you.

I'll love you forever. Even if it kills me. Even then, I'd still love you.

I love you.

periodic dark thoughts

2006-12-23T00:48:00.000+08:00

That time of the month again...

And no, we're not arguing or being upset with each other, thank god. Really. It feels great that we aren't upset with each other right now... I'd be devastated if we were.. It's almost Christmas and I just.. love the way I feel right now.

Just so... so loved.

I know it's hard to tell if she really means what she says... But I mean every word. I mean it when I tell her that I love her. I do.

And it's scary. Because I want to give everything up for her.

Once, I told myself... that I'd stop existing on the day that she'll tell me that she doesn't love me anymore.

It kind of sounds ridiculous... But I don't think so.. People say that you do stupid things when you're in love... Maybe they only say that because they haven't felt how it is to be in love... To really want to give everything regardless of the consequences to the other person.. To be so selfless...

I... guess I have a little bit of a problem. I want to be with her. But... I'm scared. I guess it's the period talking.. but does she really love me? If I saved money and went to her... Would I have just wasted huge amounts of money? Or would she welcome me with open arms and ask me to stay with her forever?

I'd like to. Stay with her forever, I mean.

I love her. I love her so much, it makes me cry. I want to make her smile.. Make her happy no matter what. I don't care what happens to me, really... Just... I want her happy.

Ma says that for you to be able to love someone, there should be physical contact. You should be able to really see the person, interact with her... What about us, then? We're separated by miles and miles of water and land... We could only talk to each other by means of instant messaging and voicemail.

That's another thing. Can we really maintain a relationship-- a stable relationship-- by just being lovers online? It's a scary, scary thought.

If the day comes that she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore... I just hope I'd made her happy enough.... And I want to at least be able to see her before I die.

I don't want this feeling to ever go away.... This feeling that someone cares for you so much... I want to return it. I want to return this feeling a hundredfold. Because that's how important she is to me. Even more, actually.

Think about it

2006-12-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

When you want to be with someone so bad...

Is it love? Or is it obsession?

How can you tell the difference between the two?

Awkward

2006-12-01T09:28:00.000+08:00

.....voicemail makes my mind draw a blank :D;

No more?

2006-11-26T10:09:00.000+08:00

I don't want to give up.

But it's kind of hard...

Update

2006-11-23T22:39:00.000+08:00

So, I called one of my best friends and talked to her about it. I felt better. I also said I wasn't going online anymore... but I wanted to know if she left a message after I went off earlier... True enough, there was an email. I read it. I cried. And N*Sync's song "This I Promise You" was playing in the background all the while (No, I wasn't listening to it; people in the house had the radio on. I don't listen to N*Sync) I'd go on about how I'm reminded of something similar that happened a few years ago, but that's not the point of this post at all.

She's still upset... I hurt her :(

And it really feels awkward if I tell her now... Maybe it really is about the timing...

I want to do something on the 25th. It's supposed to be a special day.

PS:
Stupid fucking period. I want it to be over. :(

Mood Swings 3

2006-11-23T19:59:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry I can't tell you how much I really love you.

I'm sorry you're not happy right now.

I'm sorry.

---

You know what's weird? I want to cry right now, but I can't. I don't know why it feels like this. She's.. mad at me. Because I can't tell her what I feel for her. I want to, but I'm too scared. I saw her post. It said, "Everything that nice ends fast, huh?"

I never wanted it to end. I didn't say I wanted it to end. I don't want it to. And I am frustrated that I cannot cry. I want to fucking cry and I can't and it's just so frustrating because I want to let it all out and I CAN'T.

I was depressed all day today. I put on fake smiles and tried to be my usual self. I COULDN'T BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT SHE'S SAD BECAUSE OF ME. She doesn't have to tell me for me to know. It's like.. I really could feel what she feels.

This is all my fault. I want to fix it... Where do I start?

Mood Swings 2

2006-11-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

So, here I am again. It's weird how my moods go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds.

I don't want to go yet. If I go, I don't know if I'll see her again. I want to cry but I don't want to let her know I'm sad... Because I know she'll get sad, too. I don't want her to be sad because of me.

It's strange, though. It seems as if she does know I'm sad and... well, she says things that make me smile. And it makes me want to stay longer. I don't ever want to leave. It's scary.... It's like... if I leave now, I may never see her again... And I don't want that. I don't want to leave her.

It's scary. I want to cry. I want her love. No, I need her love. More than anything. Because she makes me feel.

To love someone... is scary.

Mood Swings.

2006-11-22T21:11:00.000+08:00

Well, here it is. The marker where my period is almost here: People, especially family members, hate me. It also means that mood swings happen frequently.

But you know, despite all that... There's still someone who can make me smile through my tears, through the pains... And I'm thankful for that one person. I want to be with that person. I love her so much.

dazed

2006-11-19T14:08:00.000+08:00

I'm... in love? It feels the same. Same as how I felt with Dan. But... there's something else. It's... I don't know how to describe it, but it feels... really nice.

I never really got that far with Dan. I mean, we were a couple, right? Were we? Or was I the only one who thought that? Or, did I only think that way because I pitied her? Because I hated the way her family treats her? I'm not sure anymore. Does Dan mean it when she tells me she loves me?

Because I meant what I told her.

But right now... I don't know. She seems so distant now. It's as if she's forgotten me. She has better friends now. I hope. I still care for her, but not as much anymore.

There's someone, now. There's someone who I know I like very very much. And I know that this person likes me back. I have... a connection with this person. And I want this to last long. If it lasts a year, I'd call it a miracle. My relationships never last that long. If this one... if this one lasts a year, I'd really be happy. I want it to last more than a year.

Let me rephrase one of my previous statements... There's someone I know who I love very very much. And I mean it. I love that person. I find myself thinking about that person during my idle times. And that's a lot.

I love this person. I really really do.

What's wrong with me?

2006-11-11T20:11:00.000+08:00

This is so turning into an emo journal. Haha.

Something is wrong with me, though. I feel hurt. I feel sad. Because someone I like is sad. And I can't do anything about it. I want to do something, but... this person just doesn't let me. :( That's why I'm hurt.

I want to know what's wrong, but I feel like I'm being given vague answers and pushed away. Is wanting to help wrong? Or maybe I'm just taking things too seriously?

I don't know.. I'd rather be told that I'm hated than be pushed aside and forgotten. It would be more painful, to be pushed away. Especially to me. Most of the time, I act without thinking and I don't remember a lot of the things I do. I have to be told what I've done wrong. Sometimes I realize it sooner, but most of the time, I have to be told.

If you have a problem with me, please tell me. I don't want to be pushed away. :(

What's worse is I think I love this person.

Better days.

2006-11-09T01:28:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling loads better. That night I was depressed.. I kind of went back.. And we solved the problem quite easy. It was like saying that I got depressed because they were depressed that I was depressed. But I'm glad that's over.

The problem is, now.. I think I've attatched myself. The even bigger problem is... I still don't know the difference between "liking" and "loving". I'm pretty sure this isn't lusting. I'm very sure, however, that I really like spending time with this person.... I don't know why, though. But it does make me feel excited and scared at the same time. I don't want this to end. I don't want this to end at all.

I'm weird

2006-10-30T22:11:00.000+08:00

Seriously. I say one thing, do another. Do something, say something else.. I'm also probably suffering from acute schizophrenia and a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

Sparing you a rant, I think this is all just my period talking. I'm pretty sure I'll look back and tell myself, "Holy shit, I'm a fucked up idiot!"

Well.

2006-10-30T21:34:00.000+08:00

I'm too depressed to even work.