Christmas eve.

You know... I was actually contemplating on showing this to her...

....I guess I'm just not ready yet...





Like I said before. It's scary to love someone.... Or.. I suppose... it's more like, I'm scared that she'd push me away. I hope not.

To my beloved.

I love you. I love you so much.

I don't have anything to give you but every bit of myself. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy. I don't like it when you're sad. If I could, I'd take all your sadness from you. If they have to be somewhere, I'd keep them. I'd rather be the one battered and bruised instead of you. I love you. I don't want you to be hurt... If I could, I'd take the pain away from you, too. Physical and non-physical. I want you to be happy.

I love you.

You have me. I'm giving you complete control of myself. Do to me what you wish. I love you. I don't care about what happens to me. I really don't. I love you. You are all that matters to me. Your happiness. Your life. Your love. You.

I love you.

I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything else about you. I don't think I'll be able to love anyone else at all. It's just you.

I love you.

Please don't push me away. Please don't tell me you don't love me anymore. Please don't be sad.

I love you.

I'll love you forever. Even if it kills me. Even then, I'd still love you.



I love you.

periodic dark thoughts

That time of the month again...

And no, we're not arguing or being upset with each other, thank god. Really. It feels great that we aren't upset with each other right now... I'd be devastated if we were.. It's almost Christmas and I just.. love the way I feel right now.

Just so... so loved.

I know it's hard to tell if she really means what she says... But I mean every word. I mean it when I tell her that I love her. I do.

And it's scary. Because I want to give everything up for her.

Once, I told myself... that I'd stop existing on the day that she'll tell me that she doesn't love me anymore.

It kind of sounds ridiculous... But I don't think so.. People say that you do stupid things when you're in love... Maybe they only say that because they haven't felt how it is to be in love... To really want to give everything regardless of the consequences to the other person.. To be so selfless...


I... guess I have a little bit of a problem. I want to be with her. But... I'm scared. I guess it's the period talking.. but does she really love me? If I saved money and went to her... Would I have just wasted huge amounts of money? Or would she welcome me with open arms and ask me to stay with her forever?

I'd like to. Stay with her forever, I mean.

I love her. I love her so much, it makes me cry. I want to make her smile.. Make her happy no matter what. I don't care what happens to me, really... Just... I want her happy.

Ma says that for you to be able to love someone, there should be physical contact. You should be able to really see the person, interact with her... What about us, then? We're separated by miles and miles of water and land... We could only talk to each other by means of instant messaging and voicemail.

That's another thing. Can we really maintain a relationship-- a stable relationship-- by just being lovers online? It's a scary, scary thought.

If the day comes that she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore... I just hope I'd made her happy enough.... And I want to at least be able to see her before I die.



I don't want this feeling to ever go away.... This feeling that someone cares for you so much... I want to return it. I want to return this feeling a hundredfold. Because that's how important she is to me. Even more, actually.

Think about it

When you want to be with someone so bad...

Is it love? Or is it obsession?



How can you tell the difference between the two?

Awkward

.....voicemail makes my mind draw a blank :D;

No more?

I don't want to give up.

But it's kind of hard...

Update

So, I called one of my best friends and talked to her about it. I felt better. I also said I wasn't going online anymore... but I wanted to know if she left a message after I went off earlier... True enough, there was an email. I read it. I cried. And N*Sync's song "This I Promise You" was playing in the background all the while (No, I wasn't listening to it; people in the house had the radio on. I don't listen to N*Sync) I'd go on about how I'm reminded of something similar that happened a few years ago, but that's not the point of this post at all.

She's still upset... I hurt her :(


And it really feels awkward if I tell her now... Maybe it really is about the timing...


I want to do something on the 25th. It's supposed to be a special day.


PS:
Stupid fucking period. I want it to be over. :(

Mood Swings 3

I'm sorry I can't tell you how much I really love you.

I'm sorry you're not happy right now.

I'm sorry.

---

You know what's weird? I want to cry right now, but I can't. I don't know why it feels like this. She's.. mad at me. Because I can't tell her what I feel for her. I want to, but I'm too scared. I saw her post. It said, "Everything that nice ends fast, huh?"

I never wanted it to end. I didn't say I wanted it to end. I don't want it to. And I am frustrated that I cannot cry. I want to fucking cry and I can't and it's just so frustrating because I want to let it all out and I CAN'T.

I was depressed all day today. I put on fake smiles and tried to be my usual self. I COULDN'T BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT SHE'S SAD BECAUSE OF ME. She doesn't have to tell me for me to know. It's like.. I really could feel what she feels.


This is all my fault. I want to fix it... Where do I start?

Mood Swings 2

So, here I am again. It's weird how my moods go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds.

I don't want to go yet. If I go, I don't know if I'll see her again. I want to cry but I don't want to let her know I'm sad... Because I know she'll get sad, too. I don't want her to be sad because of me.

It's strange, though. It seems as if she does know I'm sad and... well, she says things that make me smile. And it makes me want to stay longer. I don't ever want to leave. It's scary.... It's like... if I leave now, I may never see her again... And I don't want that. I don't want to leave her.


It's scary. I want to cry. I want her love. No, I need her love. More than anything. Because she makes me feel.

To love someone... is scary.

Mood Swings.

Well, here it is. The marker where my period is almost here: People, especially family members, hate me. It also means that mood swings happen frequently.



But you know, despite all that... There's still someone who can make me smile through my tears, through the pains... And I'm thankful for that one person. I want to be with that person. I love her so much.

*dazed*

I'm... in love? It feels the same. Same as how I felt with Dan. But... there's something else. It's... I don't know how to describe it, but it feels... really nice.

I never really got that far with Dan. I mean, we were a couple, right? Were we? Or was I the only one who thought that? Or, did I only think that way because I pitied her? Because I hated the way her family treats her? I'm not sure anymore. Does Dan mean it when she tells me she loves me?

Because I meant what I told her.

But right now... I don't know. She seems so distant now. It's as if she's forgotten me. She has better friends now. I hope. I still care for her, but not as much anymore.

There's someone, now. There's someone who I know I like very very much. And I know that this person likes me back. I have... a connection with this person. And I want this to last long. If it lasts a year, I'd call it a miracle. My relationships never last that long. If this one... if this one lasts a year, I'd really be happy. I want it to last more than a year.

Let me rephrase one of my previous statements... There's someone I know who I love very very much. And I mean it. I love that person. I find myself thinking about that person during my idle times. And that's a lot.



I love this person. I really really do.

What's wrong with me?

This is so turning into an emo journal. Haha.

Something is wrong with me, though. I feel hurt. I feel sad. Because someone I like is sad. And I can't do anything about it. I want to do something, but... this person just doesn't let me. :( That's why I'm hurt.

I want to know what's wrong, but I feel like I'm being given vague answers and pushed away. Is wanting to help wrong? Or maybe I'm just taking things too seriously?

I don't know.. I'd rather be told that I'm hated than be pushed aside and forgotten. It would be more painful, to be pushed away. Especially to me. Most of the time, I act without thinking and I don't remember a lot of the things I do. I have to be told what I've done wrong. Sometimes I realize it sooner, but most of the time, I have to be told.

If you have a problem with me, please tell me. I don't want to be pushed away. :(





What's worse is I think I love this person.

Better days.

I've been feeling loads better. That night I was depressed.. I kind of went back.. And we solved the problem quite easy. It was like saying that I got depressed because they were depressed that I was depressed. But I'm glad that's over.

The problem is, now.. I think I've attatched myself. The even bigger problem is... I still don't know the difference between "liking" and "loving". I'm pretty sure this isn't lusting. I'm very sure, however, that I really like spending time with this person.... I don't know why, though. But it does make me feel excited and scared at the same time. I don't want this to end. I don't want this to end at all.

I'm weird

Seriously. I say one thing, do another. Do something, say something else.. I'm also probably suffering from acute schizophrenia and a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

Sparing you a rant, I think this is all just my period talking. I'm pretty sure I'll look back and tell myself, "Holy shit, I'm a fucked up idiot!"

Well.

I'm too depressed to even work.