periodic dark thoughts

That time of the month again...

And no, we're not arguing or being upset with each other, thank god. Really. It feels great that we aren't upset with each other right now... I'd be devastated if we were.. It's almost Christmas and I just.. love the way I feel right now.

Just so... so loved.

I know it's hard to tell if she really means what she says... But I mean every word. I mean it when I tell her that I love her. I do.

And it's scary. Because I want to give everything up for her.

Once, I told myself... that I'd stop existing on the day that she'll tell me that she doesn't love me anymore.

It kind of sounds ridiculous... But I don't think so.. People say that you do stupid things when you're in love... Maybe they only say that because they haven't felt how it is to be in love... To really want to give everything regardless of the consequences to the other person.. To be so selfless...


I... guess I have a little bit of a problem. I want to be with her. But... I'm scared. I guess it's the period talking.. but does she really love me? If I saved money and went to her... Would I have just wasted huge amounts of money? Or would she welcome me with open arms and ask me to stay with her forever?

I'd like to. Stay with her forever, I mean.

I love her. I love her so much, it makes me cry. I want to make her smile.. Make her happy no matter what. I don't care what happens to me, really... Just... I want her happy.

Ma says that for you to be able to love someone, there should be physical contact. You should be able to really see the person, interact with her... What about us, then? We're separated by miles and miles of water and land... We could only talk to each other by means of instant messaging and voicemail.

That's another thing. Can we really maintain a relationship-- a stable relationship-- by just being lovers online? It's a scary, scary thought.

If the day comes that she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore... I just hope I'd made her happy enough.... And I want to at least be able to see her before I die.



I don't want this feeling to ever go away.... This feeling that someone cares for you so much... I want to return it. I want to return this feeling a hundredfold. Because that's how important she is to me. Even more, actually.