:(

I know she's told me that she loves me even if she's upset or in a bad mood.

Thing is, I'm still scared.

I'm still scared.

Scared because I don't know how long we'll last together.

I want it to last forever.

I've never had a good experience when it comes to relationships; maybe that's why I'm scared.

The first three I've had, they were all short.

Short, and the love didn't last for long.

We'd just... drift apart, not even recognize each other's presence.

I don't want that to happen this time.

But I'm so scared.

And maybe a little pessimistic/cynical about it.

Thinking that maybe she's upset because of me.

Because of something I said or did.

That she hates me now.

You know. There isn't one moment that I do not think of her.

Yesterday, I couldn't get online because everyone wouldn't let me.

Because I'm sick.

But I still wanted to get on, so I could tell her.

So she wouldn't worry.

But I really couldn't.

My head hurt too much that anything that emitted light hurt.

If my grandmother wasn't watching over me last night, I'd most likely cried myself to sleep.

And then, I get online today.

And she's in a bad mood.

Of course, the first thing that comes into mind is that she's upset because I wasn't there yesterday when I said I would be.

I don't know.

I guess I'm overreacting on this, but still.

Wouldn't it be better if she'd said she hated me, that she didn't like me anymore, rather than having to go in circles?

I know that this might not really be the reason she's upset.

There's still that probability, though.

And that tiny probability scares me.

Even if it's just 0.000000001%

It's scary.

I shouldn't be thinking about these things. I told myself not to. Because it only depresses me, and if I get depressed I don't get to do things I'm supposed to. And I need to work today.

I guess the best thing to do is let her cool down, and then contact her again later.

I think too much, and cry over the silliest things.




I'd still love her, anyway. Even if she hated me.